


Season's End

by Falathren



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Destroy Ending, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 06:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falathren/pseuds/Falathren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Building a life after the Reaper War is not easy, but somehow Joker and Shepard have managed it. They are finally able to focus on their relationship. But the peaceful life doesn’t last. After a standard job for the Alliance, Joker suddenly disappears. No one, neither Shepard nor his friends know what happened to him, until they discover a new terrorist group threatening the post-war security.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Season's End

    

_(Art by[Azzy](../../users/Azzy_Darling))_ **  
**

John sipped his tea carefully, feeling the warm liquid run though his body. He was experiencing a strange sort of calm combined with a deeply felt happiness. There was no specific reason for him to feel like this, just sitting alone in their living room, but for some reason he enjoyed the stillness of the late evening. Outside it was already dark and the lights of the city below him were mesmerizing. Vancouver fascinated him now. He remembered the first time he got there, seeing a pulsating city which made him feel small and lost. Then he had been all too happy to leave again and never thought he would make it his home one day.  
  
The city had almost been fully rebuilt. The three years it had taken him to heal also eased the scars on his new found home.  
  
He set down the cup, still half full with the steaming beverage, and leaned back. His mind wandered and came up with nothing specific. He had been alone for three days now and he had managed quite well. It was the longest he had been alone since after the war. Well, at least the time he had been conscious.  
  
Someone had been pretty protective of him, but Shepard hadn't minded at all.

Now life was almost back to a normal pace. Almost.  
  
He didn’t plan on falling asleep. But in the end he closed his heavy-growing eyes and fell into a soft slumber.

~~~

He woke to a strange noise and something heavy being placed in his lap. Opening his eyes to a half-dark room he looked down, someone was sitting next to him on the ground and rested his head in his lap, arms wrapped lazily around Shepard's hips. Not knowing how much time had passed, Shepard blinked, confused, a few times.  
  
The person moved a little until Shepard was looking into exhausted, but happy, green eyes. Shepard's lips formed into a warm smile and he placed a hand on top of Joker's head, carefully ruffling the short, soft hair.  
  
Joker’s eyes lightened and a bit of the tiredness eased. “Did I wake you?” he asked with a hushed voice.  
  
John shook his head slightly and continued to caress Joker, his fingers drawing slow circles through his hair. “I always want to be woken up like this.” Shepard smile widened. “So, how did it go?”

Joker sighed and reluctantly sat up straight, letting John’s fingers run down his face and placing a soft kiss on the fingertips.  
  
“Yeah, it was ok. Standard delivery run. Only this time the flight consisted of 200 wanna-be-colonists.” Joker yawned and grinned to himself. “Didn’t even have to dodge one raider ship. Although it still felt more like dumping them there. Can’t be long until the first slave raiders try their luck.”

Shepard nodded and frowned a little. “Well, they know what they signed up for, and settlement has to start somewhere. At least they got there in style with the best pilot the galaxy has to offer.” Shepard leaned forward and kissed his partner. Even now Joker managed to seem surprised by this action, because right after the kiss he raised an eyebrow, obviously rather confused with Shepard’s action. It was one of the things Shepard never quite grasped. Shepard was always very open with his affection, trying to steal a kiss whenever possible, not minding an audience. Joker sometimes acted rather distant, one moment cuddling close to Shepard, the next instant suddenly moving away or raising an eyebrow, just like he did now.

Shepard leaned back and looked down on Joker with a faked grin. He wasn’t hurt by Joker’s reaction, not anymore. It was just another part of their not really easily understood relationship and an example of Joker’s remaining insecurity.  
  
But all in all they were doing good, living a now peaceful and quiet little life.  
  
Joker seemed to gather his confidence and cocked his head. “Still it was strange without you.” Shepard threw Joker a questioning look, indicating he didn’t follow Joker’s train of thought. “I mean going out there without you on board. Knowing you were nowhere to be found on the ship. Not being able to sneak into your cabin. Yeah, that was strange and different. I’m glad to be back now.”  
  
With his little speech at an end, Joker reached for John’s tea mug and took a long gulp from it. A second later he made face, because the beverage was not only cold, but also very bitter. He put the cup down again and watched Shepard chew on his lip.  
  
Joker’s hand found its way on top of John’s knee and a warm smile moved between the two them.

“It’s ok though. Actually I’m relieved you didn’t jump back into service again.” Joker sighed and patted the knee under his hand.  
  
“Yeah. Although I do wonder if I’ll ever find myself happy with that decision.”  
  
“It was the right decision, John.”

On an impulse, Joker lifted his hand to put it under Shepard’s chin, gently convincing him to make eye contact. He knew this question would always haunt his partner and John would always consider going back to the Alliance again. The decision to leave hadn’t been easy, but with all the politics, it had been the right one. He wouldn’t have been able to be just a solider as he wished to be. Instead he would have become an instrument of politic power play again. And he would have been made to endure more pain.  
  
Besides even though his body was healed, Shepard wouldn’t be in any shape to endure that. He knew it as well as Joker and their close friends like Kaidan and Garrus did.  
  
Still, the mission that had Joker away for three days had felt strange without his commander on board. Something Joker still had to come to terms with.  
  
“You’re ok?”  
  
A forced half-smile manswered Joker’s question. The little nod that followed was more convincing, so Joker let go of John’s chin. He pushed himself up from the floor awkwardly. When he finally stood straight, he extended his hand towards John.  
  
“Then let’s go to bed. I have to drop in early tomorrow for the ship inspection. And after that we’ll go out together. How about that? A nice, long dinner at one of those posh new restaurants?” Joker’s eyes sparkled a little, while he spoke.  
  
“Works for me. You have to make up for the last three days anyway.” John stood up next to Joker and they slowly walked over to their bedroom. Joker didn’t even mind John grasping his hand along the way.  
  
Before they entered the bedroom, John stopped and took a deep breath. “Have you changed your mind by the way?”  
  
Joker turned with a surprised face. “About what? You’re not talking about marriage again, are you? I told you on our first date I don’t do marriage.”  
  
John sighed in defeat and squeezed the hand he was holding a little to get some reassurance that this wasn’t going to end in an argument.  
  
Joker craned his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds. “We don’t need an official document and two rings to know what we have here, do we?”

Quickly and almost a little bashfully he kissed John’s cheek before proceeding into the bedroom, dragging John along behind him.  
  
Being utterly exhausted, Joker fell asleep as soon as he hit his pillow and never noticed Shepard watching him in his sleep for a while. After a few more minutes John cuddled close to his lover and placed a kiss on Joker’s brow. It was their last kiss.  
  
~~~

The next morning Shepard woke to find himself alone in the huge bed again. Irritated, he blinked and wondered where Joker had gone. Slowly he moved out of the bed and checked the bathroom first. But Joker wasn’t there.  
  
He had to walk into the kitchen to find the note on the counter, written in Joker’s small and precise handwriting.  
  
 _Didn’t want to wake you. Left early for the inspection._  
 _Expect me back around noon and be surprised._  
 _Found a very nice place for us to have dinner together._  
 _And check the fridge!_  
  
Shepard couldn’t help the heavy sigh that escaped him. He had hoped for a shared breakfast and some more time together. Disappointed he played with the little white paper in his hand and then set it down on the counter again. The early autumn sun was sending rays of bronze light through the huge kitchen windows, and for a moment John closed his eyes, enjoying its warmth on his face.  
  
He moved towards the fridge after a few seconds, although a little voice inside his head already told him what he would find. Still, he made a face when he saw the package of medicine parked prominently in the middle of the rather empty fridge.  
  
This was about as domestic as it got with Joker. Shaking his head, he took the package and moved towards one of the kitchen chairs. The medicine for his still not-too-well-working liver tasted like poison, and he tended to feel dizzy after taking it, which was the main reason he tried to avoid it.  
  
But he and Joker had an agreement, which obliged both of them to take whatever medication their doctors seemed fit. By now Shepard was far better off than Joker, having only to deal with the sticky brown liquid contained in a bottle within the package. Joker’s daily routine consisted of three different pills, and during a bad week five. Naturally, he hated every one of them.  
  
John knew Joker was as concerned about his health as he was about the pilot’s. So they’d made this agreement, and Joker being Joker always found a way to ensure Shepard kept his part of the bargain.  
  
And he was probably right. So Shepard stood up again and helped himself to an apple, the only breakfast he needed this morning. Coffee would go badly with his medicine - another reason he hated it. He chewed slowly on his apple and shot the white package of medication a dramatic look.  
  
After taking his dose, he put the bottle back into the fridge and walked lazily into the bedroom. With another heavy sigh, he let himself fall onto Joker’s side of the bed and switched on the TV that hung on the opposite wall.  
  
He’d hoped to fall asleep before the dizziness set in, and it worked. While the news reporter talked about other terrorist attacks in various cities and the growing anxiety about the batarians still left on Earth, he drifted into a deep slumber.  
  
~~~

When he woke up, he was uneasy. A strange feeling had settled into his stomach, and he was almost sure he was going to be sick. Carefully he sat up and reached over the whole bed to get the bottle of water he always kept there. Slowly he drank from it, letting the clear liquid wash away the foul taste in his mouth. Setting the bottle down, he checked the clock on the still running TV. Now the reporter was interviewing some settlers who had recently traveled to one of the former colonies to build a new life there. He wondered if those were the people Joker had escorted.  
  
The clock told him it was almost 9 AM. He had slept for only about half an hour.  
  
Irritated, he looked out of the window and noticed that the sun had indeed not wandered very far and the light shining down on Vancouver was still a bright bronze.  
  
The strange feeling remained. Shepard didn’t know what caused it, but he was sure it wasn’t from his medicine. Did he have a bad dream? He couldn’t remember, but maybe that was the source of his growing anxiety. His heart was beating heavily in his chest and he had the sudden urge to move around the house.  
  
He closed his eyes and tried to recall anything he might have dreamed, but he came up with nothing.  
  
Not sure what to do next, he set his feet onto the cold, dark wood floor. Maybe a shower would help to ease his mind. Although he lifted himself from the bed carefully, he felt a wave of sudden dizziness that almost knocked him down again. He steadied himself against the white wall and moved towards the bathroom.  
  
It was the only room in their apartment without windows. Still, the whiteness of the tiles and bathroom furniture could be blinding if you were tired.  
  
Shepard looked at himself in the mirror after splashing some water in his face. He leaned on the sink and inspected the dark circles under his eyes. He surely wasn’t becoming any younger. He bit his lip and proceeded to remove his shirt, but a low beep stopped him. Someone was trying to call him.  
  
He left the bathroom as quickly as his wobbly-feelings legs would allow and hurried through the small corridor to the bedroom where he had left his omni-tool. He was surprised to find Steve’s name blinking there and not Joker’s.  
  
With the dizzy feeling still present in his head, he had to sit down, before he could answer the call. With one button press, Steve’s face appeared on the holographic screen in front of him.  
  
“Hey, Shepard. Are you two lazy love birds still asleep?”  
  
The question startled John and he involuntarily shook his head. “What do you mean, Steve? Joker left early for the inspection.” The uneasy feeling that had been following him around ever since he woke up was growing stronger and John’s right hand gripped a pillow.  
  
“Did he? Huh… that’s strange. He hasn’t shown up here. I thought he might have slept in. Couldn’t reach him on his omni-tool either.”  
  
Now the uneasy feeling began to slowly turn into a cold shiver that ran through the whole of Shepard’s body. Something wasn’t right.  
  
The change in Shepard’s posture wasn’t lost on Steve either and he bit his lip. He hadn’t wanted to stress his friend out like this. Helpless, he managed a smile. “Maybe he’s just running late, because he’s organizing a surprise for you. Or maybe his skycar…”  
  
Shepard cut him off. “He’s never just late. We planned to go out today, so he wanted to finish early and be done with the inspection. If there was any trouble, he would have said so.”  
  
His voice was shaking. Shepard took a deep breath to steady himself. He pressed his eyes shut to gain some self-control and focused on his breathing. He heard Steve discuss something with someone else, but wasn’t sure who that person was. Their voices were hushed and he couldn’t make out the details, but they sounded pressing and urgent. Shepard didn’t like the tone at all. Then Steve addressed him again.  
  
“James will be over at your place in ten minutes. I’ll check here again. Shepard? Do you hear me?”  
  
John forced himself to nod, but didn’t open his eyes. Steve said something else, maybe trying to reassure him, but Shepard didn’t want to hear the words. He suddenly felt empty, unable to move his body by an inch.  
  
He knew it in his guts that something must have happened to Joker. He went through several harmless scenarios in his head like a broken car, but nothing he came up with seemed reasonable. The way to the Alliance dry docks was not that far and went through lively streets. If Joker had had a break down, he would have found help immediately and he would have called.  
  
New scenarios played in John’s head, each one becoming more and more horrific. It was like sitting in car getting faster and faster by the second and with no way to stop it.  
  
“Shepard!”  
  
That voice brought him back. He opened his eyes again and looked down on the holo displaying Steve’s face. He was frowning and seemed a little helpless, one hand raised as if to try and reach out for Shepard. John shook his head a tiny bit to drive the nausea away. Still, he wasn’t able to say anything.

~~~

An awkward silence followed in which Steve wasn’t sure what to say. But he hadn’t expected such a strong reaction on Shepard’s side and didn’t want to hang up either.

“Let’s wait together,” he said hesitantly. “At least until James shows up.”

Shepard only nodded, but Steve was satisfied with it. It was a reaction, after all, and it meant someone was finally listening to him. Chewing his lip feverishly Steve decided to say something more, to draw Shepard’s attention to him.  
  
“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding and that he’s…”  
  
“Don’t. Just don’t!” Shepard breathed heavily, averting his eyes. “I know something is wrong. I just do.”  
  
Steve sighed in defeat and in turn looked down on his feet. He knew how stupid he sounded. ‘Just a misunderstanding.’ He had served only a short time with Joker. Nevertheless, he knew the man pretty well and not being punctual for work was so unlike him, something important must have happened.  
  
From the corner of his eye, he watched Shepard’s holo. With the rough transmission he couldn’t be too sure, but the other man did look rather pale. He hoped James would get there soon and make sure nothing happened to him.  
  
He saw Shepard move a little. He seemed to be pressing some buttons on his omni-tool, his expression still unreadable to Steve. After a few seconds he stopped and dropped his hand again.  
  
“His omni-tool is switched off.”  
  
It sounded more like a helpless question than an actual statement. Steve dropped his head and nodded slowly. He had already discovered that when he had tried to call Joker. Defeated he looked up again.  
  
“Yeah, that’s what I thought was so strange.”  
  
Normally no one would just turn off his omni-tool. Not when the person was on duty, and especially not if that person was Joker. He heard Shepard make a noise that almost sounded desperate.  
  
“Do you think,” he swallowed hard and tried again. “Do you think he’s had an accident?”  
  
“I’ve been monitoring the traffic news. Even helped myself into the police extranet. There’s nothing indicating an accident on any of the routes he might have taken.” Steve checked again, just in case, but there was still nothing. Traffic was busy as usual, but there wasn’t the slightest hint of any sort of incident.  
  
He wanted to say something more to Shepard, but before he was able to do so, a noise on the other end of the line startled him almost as much as Shepard. He watched John rise from the bed slowly.  
  
“It must be James.” John swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I’ll open the door and, yeah, thank you.”  
  
Shepard pushed the button to hang up before Steve could respond. Startled, Steve needed a few seconds before he lowered his own omni-tool. He walked through the huge maintenance hall and made his way to a little table in the corner. He sat down and tapped his fingers for a few seconds on the metallic surface in front of him. Then he took up his omni-tool again. There were at least two people he needed to contact now; two people who he hoped could find out quickly what had happened to Joker.  
  
~~~

James had entered the apartment, before Shepard had walked down the hall. He looked around helplessly for a second, and then smiled at John. Of course he hadn’t waited for Shepard. He knew the door code and he used it when he deemed it necessary.  
  
Like now.  
  
An uncomfortable silence followed James’s nodded hello. He was here to look after Shepard, to make sure he was all right, but he hadn’t brought any answer for the man standing very still across from him.  
  
“Let’s have some coffee.” James was startled by Shepard’s voice breaking the silence. He nodded hurriedly and proceeded towards the kitchen. Shepard followed behind him, his bare feet making soft, unsure noises.  
  
Without another word from either man, James pressed some buttons on the coffee machine and watched the black liquid pour slowly out of it. After two cups had been filled, he sat down next to Shepard. On his way here, he had been thinking feverishly about what to say. What could he say that would comfort his friend without referring to some stupid phrases?

James did have a certain gut feeling, but should he tell Shepard about it? The other man looked so pale. And Steve had told James to make sure Shepard was safe. Alarming him with James’s own suspicions wouldn’t do. But James couldn’t get the things out of his head that had occurred in the last days and he remembered the meeting he had taken part in a few days ago.

Shepard spoke up again. “What is going on? Do you know anything else, James?”  
  
His voice was shaking and almost pleading. He looked so helpless that James could hardly meet his eyes. That was why he decided to tell Shepard what he knew. James wondered once more if it would be a good idea to tell him, but what else could he do?

~~~

Kaidan was enjoying his second cup of coffee and a lazy morning with his mother in their new apartment when a low beep demanded his attention. With a warm smile at his mother, he excused himself from the table and walked through the hall towards the little room that served as an improvised office. In the three years after the war, he had taken up most his duties as a Spectre again and also served as a teacher for young biotics in the Alliance. The little, windowless makeshift office was enough for most of the reports he had to file and he was close to his mother, which was most important for him.  
  
When he saw who was calling him, he smiled involuntarily. His hello might have sounded a little too cheerful. But he quickly realized something was off. Steve’s face displayed concern and he didn’t return the smile Kaidan offered him.  
  
“It’s about Joker. He’s missing and I have a really bad feeling here.”  
  
Kaidan felt his hand cramp into a fist as Steve went on and told him in detail about the occurrences of this morning.  He was petrified, and when Steve finished talking he didn’t know what to say.  
  
“This can’t be happening.” Kaidan shook his head violently as if to chase away the bad feeling that had also crawled through his body.  
  
“I don’t know for sure, but Joker wouldn’t just drop out of everything like this.” Steve took a deep breath, apparently preparing a question to which he dreaded the answer. “Do you think the batarians have something to do with it?”  
  
Kaidan’s eyes wandered about the room slowly, searching for a way to answer the question. He bit his lip in the end and nodded slowly. “That’s the worst, but most likely possibility. God, we have to find him quickly.”  
  
~~~

“So you mean the Alliance is aware of a group of batarian terrorist that target our soldiers?” In a very unsettling way, Shepard’s face remained calm and emotionless. His voice was pressing, but he was neither speaking louder than usual, nor was he whispering.  
  
“I don’t know the details either, but Kaidan… well, the Alliance asked for the help of a Spectre, when all this started and the first three marines had disappeared. This way Kaidan got involved. And me, too, now that I’m Special Forces and all that bullshit. Fact is, until now eight marines have been reported missing around Vancouver in the last two weeks. And there have been threats by a new terrorist group. Mainly batarians, or at least the brass thinks they are. But well, this is an internal investigation and ‘officially’ nothing has happened.” James sighed and drank the cold coffee with one big gulp.  
  
Shepard buried his face in his hands and tried to keep himself in check. A part of him wanted to scream out loud, while the other part still hoped to wake up and find Joker cuddled next to him with everything else just a bad dream.  
  
A strong hand settled on his shoulder.  
  
“We don’t know nothing for certain now. I’m sure Steve has already alerted everyone and we’ll find him.” The confidence in James’ voice was real and honest, but it escaped Shepard completely.  
  
 _We will find him!_ James’s words would haunt him over the days to come.

~~~  
  
The darkness surrounding Joker was absolute. He wasn’t even sure if he was awake or still sleeping. Had he even tried to open his eyes? Against the heavy drumming in his head, he forced himself to blink a few times. He was still trapped in complete darkness. He wondered briefly if his eyes were working, but throbbing pain interrupted his thoughts.  
  
He tried to move his head a little and felt a wave of dizziness wash over him. Something hard and metallic, clipped around his neck, hindered his movement and he became aware of the hard and stony ground he was apparently lying on.

He felt so very cold.  
  
The next thing he wanted to do was to call out for help, but his tongue lay dry and heavy in his mouth. He coughed a little and a piercing pain shot through his chest.  
  
Something was wrong with his right leg as well. Joker tried to move it, but an unbearable pain rocked his whole body.  
  
Had he lost consciousness because of the pain?  
  
He couldn’t be sure.  
  
Lying totally still he tried to make sense of his situation. There seemed to be no one with him. Why was he alone?  
  
He remembered sitting in the kitchen, eating his breakfast hurriedly because he had to get to the dry docks early. Before leaving he had taken another minute and sneaked back into the bedroom. The figure in the bed had still been fully asleep and Joker hadn’t wanted to wake him. So he had whispered his goodbye and let his lips only slightly brush the brow of his partner. But what had happened after that?

How had he ended up alone and cold and hurting here?  
  
Joker couldn’t wrap his head around the missing parts. He was starting to feel scared. Wherever he was, he couldn’t be safe. He was trapped in a dark and scary place all by himself. Panic began to wash through him and he felt his heart beat faster by the second.  
  
He tried to lift his arms and found that he could do so, though the movement was accompanied by another piercing pain from his chest. He somehow managed to raise his hand against the heavy beating of his heart towards his neck and carefully checked the cold metal wrapped around it with the tips of his fingers. It felt like a collar that effectively bound him low to the ground.  
  
Another wave of panic hit him like a shower of pure ice. Suddenly it felt like all the air was being pressed out of him. He couldn’t breathe anymore because the room was filled with darkness and not with air.  
  
~~~

Shepard had no idea how he had ended up in his own bed and why the sky was suddenly dark. What had happened to the warm sunlight? How much time had passed?

He wondered if there was a chance that Joker would return in the next minutes. Right now it was a desperate hope. Looking around the bedroom he remembered how he and Joker had first moved in here. After Shepard was ready to leave the hospital, Joker had organized this apartment. Like all the new built houses after the war, the place seemed cool and uncomfortable. They had barely been able to organize fitting furniture. But although at first Shepard had been reluctant to accept this as their new home, they had managed to turn it into a cozy place. It was still far away from how he had imagined his future home to be. When he had still been on the Normandy with Joker, he had spent endless nights with his partner discussing how he wanted his home to be. Joker had usually just shrugged and had told him that he was fine on the Normandy.  
  
John smiled to himself as the memories played in his head. He could hear the distant voices of his friends scattered around the house. They brought him back to the current situation. After James had arrived, Kaidan and Steve had dropped by. He could make out the voice of Liara as well. She wasn’t there in person, but she was helping the best she could.  
  
The whole day had been a blur for Shepard. He remembered drinking a coffee with James and having lunch with him and Kaidan later on. But when had Steve arrived?  
  
Every breath he took felt surreal. It was an absurd situation after all. But his heart was still beating heavily in his chest, reminding him with every beat that Joker was still missing. Shepard wanted nothing more than wake up from this nightmare. But he was starting to realize how real everything felt now. The people running around his apartment were proof enough.

He had been there when they contacted the Alliance, asking for official help. They denied the request because they still hadn’t acknowledged any sort of terrorist attacks on their soldiers. This was no surprise to anyone assembled in the small living room. Kaidan had just shrugged, cut the connection, and proceeded like the call never happened. The serious attitude of every one and the busy, concentrated working were scaring Shepard. He took the whole scene in with an unmoving face because he wasn’t ready to accept Joker was truly missing and most likely in high danger.  
  
After he had stood up and moved wearily into living room, he watched Kaidan with a stunned amazement. He was a Spectre after all and didn’t need Alliance approval to investigate, although he would most likely cause a stir with the brass and he would be forced to file many unnecessary reports. He didn’t seem impressed by this, and went on with the investigation with his natural focus.  
  
The way everyone was focused was intimidating. At one point Shepard had decided to take part in the action. He organized some data from Kaidan and marveled at the other man’s resources. When they had first met, Kaidan had been unsure, kind of bashfully adoring, and simply young. The years had changed him in an astonishing way. Now he was the one in charge and taking action. But he was still Shepard’s best friend.  
  
Kaidan had been the one to place an arm around Shepard’s shoulders at some point during the afternoon. It was only a small gesture, but it momentarily lifted some of Shepard’s anxiety.  
  
But the nightmare continued. Shepard found no leads in the data. In fact he had basically been staring down at it without actually reading any of it. Then they had started to convince him that it would do him good to try and get some sleep. When he had looked up from the datapad, he noticed Kasumi next to him. When had she arrived and who had called her?  
  
It didn’t really matter to Shepard. He was happy to see her and have her around. Somehow she was able to lift some of the tension between the four men simply by being there. She had helped him from the chair he had been sitting in. It had been the same spot where he had waited for Joker only one night before. Then he had been guided into the bedroom and now he found himself sitting upright and staring at Joker’s side of the bed. Had it really been just one night?  
  
~~~

Time was totally lost on Joker. The only measurement he had were the regular panic attacks that pressed all air out of his lungs. No matter how hard he tried to focus, he couldn’t stop his heart suddenly beating faster or fight the urge to try the restraint around his neck once more.  
  
He tried to recall his training. Everyone in the Alliance had had the same drill about a hypothetical capture, and Joker remembered the training hadn’t been especially pleasant. Yet he recalled nothing that could clam him. Instead the only things he could remember were disturbing images of torture techniques, the most common ones according to his instructor. He shivered and flexed his arms. The seriousness of his situation was beginning to dawn upon him with every breath he took. Before, his mind had been far too clouded to make sense of anything, but now the waves of agonizing pain from his right leg punctuated the knowledge that he was trapped with no hope of escape.  
  
He had no idea what he was dealing with. Nothing moved, he was kept in absolute darkness, and there was no other noise except his own breathing. Joker’s tongue became slowly heavier. The thirst was rising and he was desperate for at least some water. He licked his lips and tasted dried blood on it. Against the collar like thing around his neck he gagged.  
  
It took a very long moment until he had calmed down. Closing his eyes he thought of Shepard again and held onto this mental image. He focused on his breathing and forced himself to take deep and regular breaths. His thoughts wandered a little and he started to ask himself questions. How had he ended up here anyway?  Hadn’t he just returned home? Yes, he had returned to a dimly lit living room and found Shepard asleep in his chair. The sight had been so beautiful, seeing the one person he truly cared about peacefully asleep in front of the huge windows overlooking Vancouver, the big city reflecting light over Shepard’s face. In the last three years, they had both fought so very hard to make their version of a happy end happen and it had finally begun to take shape in the last month.  
  
Joker fought back tears of desperation and anger. The more he tried to force himself to remember what happened after he had left their apartment, the heavier the pounding behind his temples became. And he was losing the fight against those burning tears.  
  
The thought of Shepard asleep and apparently relaxed the night before pressed heavily on his chest. There hadn’t been enough moments like this. Usually Joker had been the one to fall asleep first with no chance to enjoy the sight of his partner being peacefully asleep. He could recall one other occasion where he had been able to watch Shepard slumber. It had been after they had spent their first night together shortly before they had landed on Omega for the first time. Everything had been new then, not only the re-build Normandy. All the sensations of that night, Shepard’s body with so many new scars – Joker could still trace every one of them in his mind- and the feeling of lying so close to the person he had fallen in love with. Shepard had fallen asleep almost instantly that night, but Joker’s heart had been racing way too fast to just close his eyes. Instead he had watched Shepard and wondered where their little affair would lead. At that time he had never imagined that he would be sharing a flat with Shepard. 

He wanted nothing more than to be with him right now, to prove that all this was just a bad dream. Yet the pain in his leg was real enough.  
  
A loud thump startled him. He had no time to think about where it came from before a blinding light filled the room. He blinked against it and raised both hands to shield himself. He heard voices. They were unfamiliar and harsh. Slowly he began to make out the silhouettes of two people.  
  
They approached him slowly. Joker felt his spine tickle. When one of them raised its foot over his throbbing leg, Joker knew they hadn’t come to question him.  
  
~~~

The next morning was even brighter than the last. Only the already cool air was proof of the oncoming fall. John had fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning and woke just a few hours later. The sunlight felt wrong and annoying. He moved out of the bed to close the shutters.  
  
Upon reaching the window he gazed out unto the city. Pressing his head against the cool glass of the window, he closed his eyes for a few seconds. Everything had happened too fast for him to channel any of his emotions.  
  
He wasn’t particularly angry. He felt tired and a sadness that cut him deeply. All he wanted was to have Joker close to him again. After all, their life had finally started to move in a good direction. John had been able to leave behind most of the aftereffects of the Reaper War. He didn’t need any more surgeries and his body was almost working normal again. They didn’t have to spend any more time in hospitals. Instead they had found a new routine to their life. Joker setting off to work from time to time and Shepard enjoying every shared moment they had. And that had been all he wanted. A regular, happy life.  
  
Had he even told Joker he loved him the evening he had returned? He should have told him how much he depended on him, needed him to be there. Not even his closest friends could imagine how important he was to Shepard and how much reason he gave him to go on with his life.  
  
John felt his eyes burning and pressed them even harder shut.  
  
 _Where are you?_

 

_(Art by[Azzy](../../users/Azzy_Darling))_

He pressed the small button next to the window and the shutters closed halfway, letting enough of the bright sunlight through to paint the room in a paler light. He thought he could hear someone open the front door. His heart made a little jump and he inhaled deeply. Maybe there was news.

He took one moment to order his thoughts and set his face into an unmoving mask, before he left the sleeping room and walked quickly down the hall to the living room. Steve was sitting on the couch with a datapad at hand. His brow was furrowed, but he smiled when he saw Shepard approach. Kaidan and James seemed to have just gotten back from whatever trip they had taken. Both men seemed troubled and deep in thought, but Shepard wasn’t going to give them time to think of a sugary way to inform him about recent events. He cleared his throat audibly and indicated with a small wave of his hand that he was waiting for an update.

Kaidan motioned him to sit, but John ignored him. He wasn't able to move anyway around the heavy lump in his throat. Watching Kaidan's every move, he was almost certain that his friend was not only nervous, but was still not sure what to say. The silence seemed incredibly long. Kaidan rubbed his temples one more time and finally decided to sit down himself.

"We've found the car. I mean Joker's skycar. It was only a few blocks from the Alliance HQ. Seemed like it was placed there."

The news struck Shepard like a lightning bolt. He held his breath and let Kaidan continue, although it became harder to make sense of the words.

"We're still evaluating what we found there."

Shepard threw up his hands and stepped forward. "Spare me with that, Kaidan. Just tell me what you know!" Noticing that his voice sounded harsher than he had intended it to be and realizing once again how desperate he was for Joker to be with him, he lowered his eyes. He felt sorry for yelling at Kaidan. "Just, please, I need to know."

Kaidan stood and walked over to Shepard. Placing a hand on the other man's shoulder he nodded his understanding. "I know that and I will tell you everything we figure out. The analysis just takes some time. Once we have all the data, maybe Liara can finally help us out. The car was empty. However, we found traces of a batarian presence. There were some skin cells we were able to collect. It would fit into the whole terrorist theory. It's not certain. But with the car located, I'm sure we'll be able to trace him. Just, take a break, John. Go take a shower and then we'll have breakfast together, ok?"

Shepard nodded. It was rare for Kaidan to address him by his first name, and he was right. There was nothing he could do right now. He turned and walked towards the bathroom.

The water was scalding hot, but he didn't mind. He let the steam envelop him, all the time thinking of Joker and praying silently that he was well.

~~~

James watched John until he disappeared into the bathroom and then waited in the hall. He wasn’t good at this stuff, waiting, investigating and more waiting. What he wanted most was to shoot at something or someone. Impatience tickled in his whole body. When even standing still became unbearable, he dropped to the ground and channeled his feelings through a small workout of push-ups.

All the while Steve and Kaidan sat quietly in the living room. Neither of them had picked up the investigation again and, through the corners of his eyes, Steve was watching Kaidan. He still seemed to be pretty upset, tapping his fingers on his legs and chewing feverishly on his lips.

After another minute of silence, Steve stood up and collected the stray coffee cups with a heavy sigh. He managed to make his way around James and brewed some fresh coffee. Shepard was still in the shower, but Steve filled a cup for him nonetheless. It was good to have something to do with his hands, but this small task was finished far too soon.

With the cups on a tray, he moved around James once more and told him to collect his coffee afterwards from the living room. Upon entering said room however, Steve saw that Kaidan still hadn’t moved.

“What didn’t you tell him?” He set the tray on the table, but remained standing. Kaidan looked up, startled.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that there has to be more to it than what you just told Shepard.”

Kaidan shrugged and waved Steve off, but was interrupted again.

“Come on, you can at least tell me everything. We’re working together here.”

“I know,” Kaidan spoke quietly and leaned forward, burrowing his face in his hands. “I know that. It’s just not easy, you know. He’s my friend, too and the more time we lose…”

He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to. Steve took the opportunity to sit down next to Kaidan again. Hesitantly he patted his back. He knew how hard it was on him, but Kaidan needed to stay focused, because without him, they wouldn’t be able to do the investigation. Not wanting to push him any further, Steve remained silent and waited for Kaidan to speak again.

Kaidan leaned back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. “We found some blood inside the car. Not much, only a small stain, but it was fresh and it was Joker’s.”

Although Steve had braced himself for this kind of news, he still felt a cold shiver run down his spine. “But you said it’s not much?”

“Yeah, but still, he’s hurt and if there was any doubt, this proves that he was taken from the car against his will. Who knows what has happened to him since…”

“You shouldn’t say that, you really shouldn’t,” Steve interrupted him harshly. “We have the car; we have tons of other clues and hints from the other missing marines. We’ll be able to find him. But for that we have to stay focused.”

Steve had no idea how his hand had ended up on Kaidan’s shoulder, but since the latter didn’t push it away, he used it to give him a reassuring squeeze.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Kaidan rubbed his temples. “It’s just so hard, and lying to Shepard doesn’t make it any easier.”

“Of course not, but freaking him out wouldn’t help either. I’d have done the same.” Steve’s voice became very quiet. “Give me the data. I’ll forward it to T’Soni.”

Kaidan nodded and took a deep breath. He shot a thankful smile in Steve’s direction. At the same moment Steve heard Shepard leaving the bathroom and both men sat up straight to find their composure again.

“You should also take a break now.” Steve squeezed Kaidan’s shoulder one last time and grabbed one of the datapads.

“Maybe I should, yeah. I guess I’ll also go with a shower first.” Kaidan stood up and took up Shepard’s coffee mug. The next second John walked into the living room, still looking haunted and tired. Kaidan pressed the cup into his hands with a half-forced smile and left towards the bathroom himself, leaving Shepard and Steve alone.

James was still caught up in his exercise, and he was sweating heavily now. Kaidan walked around him with a grim grin and closed the bathroom door behind him.

~~~

Shepard sat down next to Steve and sipped his coffee. It was only lukewarm, but he didn’t mind. The shower had woken him up from his trance and he felt like he was able to think more clearly now.

He watched Steve sort out some data and decided to interrupt the work of the other man by leaning forward.  
  
"How far are we?"  
  
"Well, with all this we should be able to trace him." Steve’s smile almost succeeded in encouraging Shepard.

“Do you think he’s still on Earth?”

Steve put down the datapad and turned a little to face Shepard.

“Of course he is. Every transit to and from Earth is still monitored. No ship leaves Earth without a thorough inspection. It might not be much, but at least in this way the Alliance is helping us. I’m sure we’ll find him soon.”  
  
"I want to come with you then."  
  
This statement was little surprise to Steve. He knew Shepard wouldn't just let them run off on their search and remain behind. But he had hoped John would discuss this with Kaidan and not him. What did he have to say in that matter anyway?  
  
So he just nodded his understanding, not his approval, and changed the subject.  
  
"I was just about to call T'Soni. Do you want to talk with her?"  
  
Shepard looked around the room, unsure what to say or do. "What are you going to tell her?"  
  
"I'm just sending her the report on the car. With all the tools she has, we have to be able to find them. She’d surely like to speak to you as well.”

There was a small hint of hesitation, but Shepard nodded at last. He ran his hand over his face and leaned back some more, staring at the ceiling just like Kaidan had done before.

Steve busied himself with the data once more, putting the pieces together and leaving other parts, like the found blood, out. This wouldn’t help Liara any further, but it would do a great deal to make her even more anxious. As he was about to set up a connection to their asari friend, Shepard cleared his throat and hesitantly asked another question.

“How did you find the car anyway?”

“That was Kasumi, actually. She has all those weird connections on the streets and, well, it took her only a few hours.”

“Where is she now?”

“I have no idea. She left a few hours ago.”

“Have you asked anyone else for help?” Shepard took a heavy breath after asking this question.

“No one else and please, Shepard, do not worry about those things. Asking Kasumi for help was T’Soni’s idea.”

After a few seconds of silence, Shepard clapped his hands together and sat up straight. “Ok. Let’s call Liara now.” To Steve, Shepard’s voice sounded a little too eager and cheerful, but he was glad their discussion was at an end. He had been afraid that there would have been questions he couldn’t answer.

~~~

The little talk with Liara did Shepard good. Liara had a way of reading his mind and knowing exactly what she should say to him. It gave Shepard some of his strength back, and he was suddenly willing to believe they would find Joker. At least a little bit. He was still very far from feeling assured.

“Just let this nightmare be over soon.” Shepard whispered those words. He sat still and stared down at the wall, his eyes focused on nothing specific. But Steve picked up on his words and Shepard felt the other man’s hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

“We’re close.” That was all he said, although the way he cleared his throat, he obviously wanted to say more.

“What if he’s…” Shepard took another audible breath and when he finally continued his question, he pressed the word out through gritted teeth. “…what if he’s hurt?”

“We will worry about that when we’ve found him.” This was the most reasonable thing Steve could say in answer without downright lying to his friend.

~~~

Joker’s world was narrowed down to pain. He was barely able to form one clear thought before it became too much and he got swallowed by agony again.

The two batarians hadn’t asked him any questions. They had just come to “entertain” him, as they had declared with their harsh and rusty voices. Neither had they told him why he was being a held a prisoner.

It wasn’t about Shepard. Joker could guess as much, because his name hadn’t been dropped once, and Joker wondered if they even knew who he was. They had certainly seemed surprised by how quickly his bones broke, but that hadn’t stopped them.

At least they hadn’t bothered to chain him up again. And why should they have? He was in no shape to give them any trouble. But neither had they granted him some water, and this was one of the things Joker wanted most right now. It was ridiculous how much you could suffer without enough water. He was sure his tormentors knew that exactly. Nothing they had done had been random. They seemed like professionals.

Except that they never asked him any questions. He wasn’t being tortured for information, not about Shepard nor about the Alliance. What did they want from him?

Through the agonizing pain he became more and more desperate. The question of whether he would ever get out of this place was turning more and more into the certainty that there was no way out. Maybe Shepard was already missing him, and maybe he was already looking for him, but how could he find him here? How could anyone find him here?

Joker knew he was on the brink of losing it. He tried to focus his mind on something, although it took almost all of his remaining strength to do so. But then he saw Shepard sitting in a darkened room that overlooked Vancouver. John had been asleep, wrapped in a warm blanket. His face had looked so peaceful and relaxed, something Joker had rarely seen on him. He held onto that picture with every bit of his willpower.

~~~

That night Shepard decided to stay with the others in the living room. If sleep was going to pay him a visit, he could just as well sleep there.  
  
Why the day had passed so quickly Shepard couldn’t tell, but his anxiety was growing by the minute. It had been too long since Joker went missing and still there were no news. Shepard remembered talking Kaidan and James out of alerting Garrus or anyone else. He knew they would be there at once, but they wouldn’t change anything, and John really didn’t want anyone else around.  
  
Now it was already dark once more and they were still waiting for Liara to call them back. Shepard's mood had changed with the fading daylight, and the faint hope he had gained after their first call to Liara had already disappeared into his darkening mind.  
  
He wasn't sure what to do and how to react to the situation. In addition, he didn't know what he should feel right now. Anger was starting to creep though his veins and it was getting harder and harder for him to swallow it down.  
  
Everything was taking too long. All the desperate "What If” questions were getting to him and sometimes even the worst scenario played out in his head. All this time he wondered about his own helplessness. He had defeated the Reapers, but he couldn't even make sure his partner was save. Although it made his heart beat painfully fast, Shepard remained quiet, not saying anything.  
  
The regular beep of the computers and tracking tools, however, was calming, and Shepard dozed off more than once in the following hours.  
  
He woke suddenly at a louder beep and the datter datapads falling to the ground. He blinked against the brightly lit living room and saw Kaidan on the comm, three datapads and a notebook splayed around him on the ground. Steve and James were sitting upright on the couch, both with grim faces.  
  
His sleep-clouded mind needed another second before it could focus on Kaidan's voice and understand what he was saying. It took him too long. He caught only the end of the conversation.  
  
"Yeah, got it. We'll get back to you."  
  
Kaidan closed the comm link and looked around, first focusing on Shepard, then on the other two men on the couch next to Shepard's chair. It was obvious he was evaluating whatever he had just heard and wasn't sure how to put it into words.  
  
Shepard bit his lips and sank slowly deeper into the chair. The tension of the moment took his breath away. As much as he wanted to scream at Kaidan to finally open his mouth, he couldn't. Suddenly he was very, very afraid.  
  
"We found the location of the terrorists." Kaidan's voice cut through the agitated silence of the room. "An old Alliance warehouse south east of the city. An ideal place for hiding, and it was right under our noses." Kaidan's hand clenched into a fist and Shepard saw his knuckles turn white.  
  
"So what are we waiting for?" James' voice displayed his thirst for action.  
  
Moving a few steps to the side and taking a seat, Kaidan chewed on his lips and then shook his head. "This place is too big. We need to check the building plan first and find a way to enter the compound without being noticed. If we are noticed and don't find Joker or any of the other prisoners quickly, who knows what will happen. Besides, we don't even know how many fighters they have there."  
  
"You're thinking of calling on help?" Steve seemed to be the only person in the room able to follow Kaidan's train of thought.  
  
"We need at least one more person who can wield a gun. The Alliance won't grant us any help."  
  
"Call Zaeed," Shepard spoke with a resolve that surprised everyone. "He should be around Vancouver and maybe he'll help us. No, I'm sure he will. Maybe for a prize, but he's our best bet right now."  
  
Kaidan looked to Steve and James for approval. Shepard knew that he wasn’t too fond of Zaeed, having only met him a few times. But then again Shepard was right and they could count on him. Besides, they couldn't refuse any sort of help they might get.  
  
Garrus, Tali and Liara, the people Kaidan would have preferred, were literally light years away. However, Zaeed certainly knew how to shoot at things and he had followed Shepard to the Collector's base. That should render him trustworthy.  
  
"Steve, can you contact Zaeed?" Kaidan had collected the stray datapads from the ground and then leaned back in his chair. "I’ll try to find a secure way into the building in the meantime."  
  
Steve nodded shortly and began to rapidly press some buttons on his omni-tool.  
  
"Tell him it's about Jeff and that we really need him." Shepard's voice was pleading and he cursed the shaking sound of it. Without another look at the worried faces around him, he stood up and hurriedly made his way to the bedroom. Closing the door behind him.  
  
His hands were shaking heavily and he was fighting back actual tears. After pacing around the bedroom for a minute, he sat down on the bed and opened one of the drawers of his bedside table. He found the white packet at once and began to put his Paladin pistol together. It was hard work to do with hands that wouldn’t quite obey him.

Shepard didn’t notice when Kaidan entered the room and looked up surprised only when he sat down next to him. Defensively, he shook his head. “I am going with you. There is no way you can talk me out this, Kaidan.”

“I know.” Kaidan’s eyes were focused on Shepard’s hand fumbling with the high tech pistol. “And I’m not going to.”

Shepard raised his eyebrows and forgot about his Paladin. He hadn’t expected that. Before he could say another word, Kaidan grabbed the pistol and put it together with two swift motions. Gingerly, he handed it back to Shepard.

“You are coming with us, but - and yes, there is a but- you are not coming inside,” Kaidan raised a hand to silence any protest from the other man. “It just wouldn’t do any good, if something happened to you during the mission. Those are batarian terrorists and we don’t even know how many there are. I don’t want you in the hands of those bastards. And be honest for a second, Shepard, you are in no shape to fight. Do you trust us enough to do this mission?”

It was hard to admit it, but Kaidan was right. Unable to form a proper reply, Shepard could only nod and this time he couldn’t stop the tears that ran down his face. After a heavy hiccup, he steadied himself enough to gain control over his voice again. “Just bring him back safely, promise me that.”

Although it was unfair to ask for such a promise, Shepard watched Kaidan take a deep breath before replying. “I promise.”

~~~

After their talk, everything happened quickly. Kaidan pulled some Spectre strings and in no time were they all sitting in a smaller version of the usual Kodiak shuttle. Shepard sat in the far right corner and listened to Kaidan, James and Zaeed talk through the mission plan without truly understanding what they were saying.

It was around 2AM when they reached the facility. The last minutes of the flight had been spent in agitated silence. Even Zaeed kept unusually quiet.

Shepard was glad that the older man had answered their call so quickly. Zaeed wasn’t one for reassuring words, but it was still good to have him around.

When Steve set the shuttle down only a few meters away from their designated entry point, Shepard took a deep breath and looked at the monitor in front of him. The building seemed deserted. There was no sign of life and apparently the terrorists hadn’t even bothered to put up a watch. If this was the right place, their enemy was feeling far too self-confident, which could play out to their advantage.

In a complete daze Shepard watched Zaeed, James, and Kaidan leave the shuttle, accompanied by Steve’s order to be careful and a muttered “Take care” from himself. Once they were on their way, he sat down in the same corner again, shivering against the cold of the early autumn morning air that had forced its way into the shuttle.

A few seconds later Steve sat down next to him, leaving enough space between them to not seem too invasive, but to let Shepard know he was there nonetheless. Shepard thanked him with a careful look up and a little hint of a smile. He was grateful for Steve’s presence and appreciated not being left alone.

Waiting was something Steve was used to by now, but Shepard wasn’t, especially not in a situation like this. While Steve busied himself in monitoring the facility, Shepard was left with his own repeating thoughts of what ifs.

~~~

Entering the building was easy enough. The lock didn’t proof a challenge for Kaidan and he was relieved to find no resistance behind it. They moved into a narrow hallway dimly lit by small emergency lights. It was enough to see without using flashlights, although the reddish lights cast a ghostly atmosphere.

Kaidan felt the usual rush of adrenaline in his blood, but he knew how to channel it and put it to good use.

For a few seconds they stopped and scanned for heat signatures. A normal shield could block the reading of any person that wore it, so they couldn’t be sure the next room was empty. They could be sure there weren’t any potential prisoners, though.

Kaidan motioned them to move on and they slowly made their way along the hallway. Although they tried to move as quietly as possible, they were still making a remarkable amount of noise, especially Zaeed. He didn’t seem to care about a subtle approach. The gloomy lights of the hall made their bodies cast long shadows and with each step further into the building Kaidan’s spine began to tingle more intensely.

Apart from their noise it was far too quiet. Turning around he looked at James and saw that the other man was thinking the same.

The hallway ended with a set of stairs leading down. Before Kaidan could assess their next move, Zaeed pressed past them, obviously impatient and fed up with the secret sneaking around. Both James and Kaidan rolled their eyes, but moved to follow him immediately.

Downstairs the hallway was a wider hall and there were two doors on their right and one straight ahead. None were locked. They hesitated for a moment, but Kaidan chose on the first door to their right and they took position without a word. James pressed the button and with a short beep the door opened after a small delay.

The room behind was completely dark, but the light from the floor cast enough light to see inside. It took Kaidan just a split second to realize that the room served as sleeping quarters and after another second he had identified four shapes lying in the various beds. He knew at once they had found their targets.

One of them sat up, but clearly hadn’t expected three trained soldiers to meet him. Before he could blink twice, Zaeed put a bullet between his eyes.

They were using dampers, but the sound, or maybe some gut feeling woke the other three. But torn away from a peaceful sleep like that they never stood a chance.

Kaidan would have preferred to question them, but it was safer to have them out of the way now. This was the normal way their course of action went.

When the room was cleared, they slowly moved into it, checking every bed for another person, but the room was now empty.

James leaned over one of the corpses. “A batarian,” he spat the word out. “Knew those bastards were behind it.”

Kaidan nodded solemnly and moved further into the room.

“At least we know we’re on the right track.” He picked up a datapad from a counter in the corner, but it contained nothing useful. He dropped it again and motioned the others to move on.

“Just wonder how many more there are.” Zaeed took another look at the room and counted the beds. There were ten. Kaidan had already counted them. But that didn’t mean they would only encounter six more terrorists.

“We’ll find out soon enough.”

Kaidan nodded towards the other door and they took up position again. James took another second to reload his gun, hurrying after his squad mates. The clatter of the empty thermo clip on the tiles filled the gloomy hall. 

This time Zaeed opened the door. Expecting a room full of firefighters Kaidan held out his gun to an almost empty room. Then the stench hit them and he took a step backwards.

“What the hell?” James didn’t hesitate to switch on his flashlight and took another look into the room.

“Holy shit!” When he became aware of what he was seeing, he lowered his gun and stood motionless in the doorway.

Five corpses were lying scattered around the room.

Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, praying selfishly that Joker wasn’t among them. He couldn’t move and hoped one of the others would go in and check.

For half a minute that seemed like an eternity everything stayed quiet. Then he heard someone move beside him. Zaeed’s voice cut through the silence.

“Poor bastards! Tortured and left to die.”

Kaidan turned around and bit his lip. James walked past him into the room. Kaidan didn’t know what he was doing there, but then he heard him speak.

“The first five marines that went missing. This one is Lt. Josie Hunt. She was reported missing one week ago,” James clenched his jaw and stomped out of the room again. “This is madness. Why would they torture and kill random soldiers?”

“Because they blame the Alliance for every bad thing that ever happened to any batarian. Maybe this is their sick version of revenge. For being stuck on Earth. For not getting compensation. For being forced to live in our slums. For whatever reason they could find.” Kaidan had to take a deep breath to steady himself, but still hadn’t turned around to face the room again. “Let’s move on. There is nothing we can do for them now.”

He looked at the remaining door with growing anxiety. The lock blinked red. Kaidan squinted his eyes. He was sure it had been open before. A cold shiver ran through his body and gripped his gun a bit tighter.

“Expect resistance.” Nodding to Zaeed and James as they moved away from the room with the dead marines, he took a closer look at the lock. “It was open before, I’m sure of it. Are you ready?”

Kaidan’s omni-tool flashed to life and, with a short nod towards his comrades, he pressed the final button. The door sprang open. Chaos broke loose.

A hail of bullets welcomed them from the other side. After so much silence, the noise was almost unbearable to Kaidan’s ears. He jumped to safety behind the right side of the door and waited for a chance to get a count of who was on the other side. By the sound of it, there were several shooters and Kaidan and his team were most likely outnumbered.

The heavy clatter of weapons indicated automatic rifles and, with clenched teeth, Kaidan wondered how they had gotten themselves that good of weaponry.

For a second he concentrated solely on himself, blocking out the deafening noise and calling up the glowing blue light of his biotic barrier.

A look to over his shoulder past the door told him that Zaeed and James were all right. Both of them had the left side of the door, Zaeed kneeling beside it and James standing right behind. But right now they didn’t have a chance to shoot back either.

Kaidan wondered how much ammo they had and if they were even reloading. Their shots seemed to be timed well with not one second of a break between them.

Before he truly realized what was happening next, a batarian stormed through the door, aiming blindly at Zaeed and James. They hadn’t expected such a bolt move.

The batarian’s bullets were held off by their shields. In the next second the attacker went flying through the hallway, enveloped in a blue light that was clearly of biotic nature.

Zaeed was the first to recover from the unpleasant surprise. He took advantage of the seconds their attacker floated around the hallway to return the favor, putting more than enough bullets into him.

The hail of bullets from the other side of the door finally stopped for a second. Kaidan took the opportunity to take a quick glance into the room to see the batarians regrouping, desperately scrambling for a new plan. 

He counted three batarians. Each stood in the center of the room without cover. It was too good to be true, and Kaidan wondered just how much combat experience they had. They were going to turn the situation around in the next three seconds.

Kaidan used a quick shockwave to knock them of their feet. James and Zaeed did the rest. The building was quiet once more.

They waited for a few seconds, letting their guns cool down and taking a deep breath before they entered and secured the room. No additional surprise waited for them behind the door. The room must have been used as some sort of meeting room. There were a few chairs around one table and another small desk in one corner. Another closed door led away from the scene, and Kaidan motioned for someone to watch it lest there was someone behind it trying to spring a trap on them.

Then he approached the desk carefully, stepping over one of the dead batarians. He looked at the small computer on top of the desk and pressed a button to wake it.

It sprang to live with a low hum that wouldn’t have been audible if their surroundings hadn’t been so dead quiet. Several screens displayed street maps, a ground plan of Alliance HQ in Vancouver, and other documents that would prove more than valuable when reconstructing the batarians’ plans. But the last file got Kaidan’s attention and made him draw in a sharp breath.

It seemed to be footage from various small cameras watching different little rooms. It took him a moment to figure out what he was seeing, but then he immediately sprang around, startling both James and Zaeed.

“Open the door!”

For the second time that evening Kaidan prayed silently that they were on the right track and that the rooms he had seen on the computer were located somewhere behind this door, which now opened far too slowly and gave way to yet another hallway. This one was pitch-black, but Zaeed had found a little control panel to his left and used it. The next second the hallway was brightly lit and they saw three doors on each side and a dead end at the other end of the hallway.  
  
Zaeed and James were waiting for Kaidan to give them orders. He hesitated for a second, taking a deep breath to brace himself. With a calm voice he told his two comrades to advance through the third door on the left.

The lock wasn’t particularly complicated, but this time Kaidan had to retry, because by now his body was overflowing with anxiety, resulting in a tiny handshake that interfered with his hacking.  
  
The door opened on a small, dark room. A figure lay in the far corner. Although Kaidan thought he was ready for this sight, he still hesitated before setting himself into motion. Dropping his pistol to the floor, he pushed passed James and Zaeed and hurried towards Joker, shouting his name.

 _Please, let him be alive!_ It was the only thought he could form. He knelt down beside him and started to check his injuries.  
  
Joker was unconscious and he didn’t react to his name or the slight shake of his shoulders. But he was breathing, faintly, but strong enough to make Kaidan sigh with relief.  
  
"Jesus!"  
  
Startled Kaidan lowered his omni-tool again. James had caught up with him. Zaeed was still positioned at the door and it didn't seem like was going to follow them in.  
  
"Will he be all right?" James’s voice was shaking slightly.  
  
Kaidan only shrugged. "I don't know. He's breathing, but not reacting in any way."  
  
He scanned Joker's motionless body with his omni-tool and winced despite himself. In addition to the obvious wounds and bruises that were clearly visible, even in the low light that came into the room from the hallway, Kaidan saw Joker was running a very high fever and he counted various broken bones.  
  
For a moment he was unsure what to do next. Joker needed medical attention at once, but should they just call an ambulance?  
  
He decided against it.  
  
"Try to find something to transport him. We have to get him back to the shuttle and into a hospital immediately."  
  
Kaidan heard James swallow hard, but the other man turned and hurried out of the room. He pushed passed Zaeed who observed the scene carefully with a grim face.  
  
"Damn those bastards. I'm gonna shoot 'em again."  
  
Helpless and distressed, Kaidan watched him move closer.  
  
"Check the other rooms and see if there are more survivors,” he ordered Zaeed.  
  
Reluctantly the older man moved away again, stamping his feet heavily on the ground. Kaidan didn't have time to be annoyed about this. He turned back to Joker and carefully checked the wound over his right temple. The blood was dry. Kaidan figured that the blood found in his car originated from there.  
  
He stroked Joker's sticky hair out of the way, then suddenly noticed that Joker had opened his eyes. Kaidan jumped and addressed him, trying to draw his attention and keep him conscious.  
  
Joker coughed heavily.  
  
Cursing inwardly he barked for one of his comrades to fetch him water. “At once!” It took James only a few seconds to answer the command, carrying both water and a long collapsible table under his arm that would serve to carry Joker to the shuttle.  
  
Kaidan noticed that James was looking deathly pale. He hoped that the other man wouldn't start to freak out now.  
  
After taking the bottle from him, Kaidan lifted Joker carefully into a more upright position. Joker winced and protested weakly against the pain, but when offered the water he took it thankfully.

“We’re going to move you now. Hold on, ok?” Kaidan lowered the bottle and saw Joker shaking his head weakly, obviously not wanting to endure the pain that would result from the move. It tore at Kaidan as much as on James, who bit his lip, but on a nod they lifted Joker up.

He winced, but was apparently much too weak to scream out. Kaidan would have preferred if he had just done so.

Joker was fainting again. Kaidan leaned down immediately to keep him conscious.

“Hey, stay with us. Come on! We’re almost out of here and Shepard’s waiting for you.” That seemed to draw Joker’s attention back to the current happenings.

Zaeed came back through the door, seeming even angrier than before. “Three more survivors, two if we don’t get them to a hospital now.”

Kaidan nodded and stood up, giving Joker a careful squeeze to the shoulder. He broke the radio silence and called Steve.

~~~

Shepard didn’t know when, but at some point he had taken hold of Steve’s hand. It was ridiculous and probably pathetic, but his strength was slowly running out and he just needed someone to keep him focused. Luckily, Steve didn’t draw away. Nor did he comment on it and embarrassed Shepard, but instead gave a light squeeze in return. It was enough for Shepard to gain some reassurance.

The intercom beeped and Steve sprang up. Shepard bit down on his lip so hard he could actually taste blood.

Kaidan’s voice came crackling through the speakers, requesting to call upon the Alliance for immediate medical backup for three survivors and for Steve to ready the shuttle. They were bringing in Joker and needed immediate transport to the military hospital in Vancouver.

Shepard wanted to ask about Joker’s condition, but his mouth was suddenly so dry he wasn’t able to form words with it. He just sat absolutely still until the opening of the shuttle door snapped him out of his trance.

He could see James and Kaidan walking hurriedly towards them. But most importantly, between them lay Joker on a small collapsible table. He fought the urge to run out and meet them outside.

When they had put Joker onto the ground in the shuttle, he immediately knelt down next to him.

“He’s lost consciousness again on the way,” Kaidan told him. “But he was fully conscious for a few minutes and able to recognize us.”

Shepard felt his heart sink when he saw his heavily injured partner. With his fingers he traced the bruises on his face and neck and took a deep breath of relief when he felt the faint exhalation of air on his fingertips over Joker’s lips.

The shuttle lifted off even before the door was fully closed. Shepard hadn’t even noticed James leaving them again, but when he looked up he found only Kaidan next to him.

“How bad is it?”

Kaidan shrugged, obviously not wanting to tell Shepard the whole truth. “He will pull through. I’m transmitting his condition to the hospital. They’ll be prepared for him and he’ll be ok, you’ll see.”

The transit to the Alliance hospital took only a few minutes and upon reaching it Joker was torn away from Shepard again. He wanted nothing more than to run after the nurses and doctors disappearing through the huge door, but Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder reminded him that it was just not possible. If only he could have had the chance to talk to him, but Joker hadn’t woken again.

Not knowing if he was shivering because of the chilly early morning air or because he was close to losing his nerves, he let Kaidan and Steve guide him inside the hospital and fix him a hot coffee.

Sitting in the waiting room, every one of the three men was hunting their own thoughts. Shepard watched absently as an asari in civilian clothing entered the waiting room. She looked tired and a bit haunted. For some reason he felt connected to her. She was also suffering from insecurity and fear of losing someone dear. Just by looking at her, Shepard understood that.

They exchanged a quick glance, but then a nurse called them and showed them into one of the patient room. It was empty except for three chairs and a table. The bed was missing.

She explained to them that it wouldn’t be long now before they could see Joker and that they surely preferred to wait here in private. She was a nice young woman and maybe trying a little bit too hard, her smile being a hint too friendly in the stern atmosphere of the hospital.

Shepard was relieved that they didn’t have to wait in that public waiting room any longer, although he did wonder about the asari. He watched Steve and Kaidan each take a seat, but remained standing himself.

There was something he needed to say, but it was hard to find the right words for it.

“I want to thank you. Really thank you. I mean this isn’t quite over yet, but…”

He was stumbling over his words and didn’t know how to go on, but only two seconds later he found himself warmly embraced by Kaidan.

~~~

Twenty minutes later, the room’s door opened again and two nurses, accompanied by an elderly doctor with white hair and a stern look that suited the hospital, brought in Joker. He was placed on a big hospital bed, with his wounds bandaged up and an IV inserted into his right arm.

With a heavily beating heart, Shepard watched the nurses prep the bed in the middle of the room and waited for the doctor to make the final arrangements. When he was finished, the man turned around and eyed all three of them up suspiciously.

“Well,” he cleared his throat. “He’s ok now. Was quite some work, but we fixed him up just fine. Anyway, if you want details, check the report. He’s asleep now.”

The doctor turned towards the door, but then stopped.

“You’re all going to wait here? He won’t be up in the next hours and we’ll look after him.”

His bluntness surprised Shepard and he immediately cried his protest to which the doctor just shrugged. “Whatever you want to do. Doctor Martez is going to take over in the next hour, so if you need anything, ask him.”

The doctor yawned heavily and then left.

Without wasting any more time, Shepard took a chair up to Joker’s bedside and carefully took the other man’s bandaged hand in his own. He was still nervous, but was beginning to feel more at ease, because his partner was finally safe. Slowly his world had begun to turn again.

Oblivious to anyone else in the room, he stroked Joker’s forehead and watched him sleep.

~~~

An hour later, Steve and Kaidan had left the hospital. Joker was still asleep, but Shepard, seeing the tiredness in the eyes of both, had assured them that he could manage.

A part of him was glad to be alone with Jeff. He leaned forward and whispered soft words into his ear, telling him how much he had feared for him and promised him that he would be all right now.

Every now and then a nurse dropped by and made sure that they were both comfortable and that Shepard never ran out of coffee. He did fall asleep sometime in the morning, though.

When he woke, his neck was protesting against the uncomfortable sleeping position. He rubbed it absently and looked around the room. The sun had risen, and although there were quite a few clouds in the sky, it seemed to be comfortable weather. Maybe it wouldn’t be long before the first snow would fall.

~~~

“Have you heard from James?” Kaidan walked around the skycar they had hired and opened the door to seat himself inside. He was dead tired and freezing because of it. Hopefully the car’s heater would warm him up a little.

“Yeah, he just wrote a short message. The other three survivors are in hospital now, too. The Alliance finally took over and they’re looking forward to seeing you.” Steve winked at Kaidan after entering the car himself.

“And I cannot wait to meet them.” Rubbing his temples, Kaidan thought for a few seconds. “Guess it’s no use. Could you drive me over to HQ? Better to face them now than give them time to gather more arguments.”

Steve nodded slightly. At this point he rally pitied Kaidan and wished he could take some of his duties off him. The other man still seemed a little shaken by the recent events, although he was hiding it rather well.

Not well enough for Steve, however.

Their drive over to HQ was a silent one. Kaidan seemed to be deep in thought. Steve would have loved to just talk with him, listen to his voice and maybe even trick a small laugh out of him. But he kept quiet and concentrated on his driving.

They reached the Alliance HQ in no time and separated there. Kaidan told him he shouldn’t wait for him. It would take more than a few hours, he was sure, and he would just hail a cab to get back home.

He had tapped the car door nervously a few times and then, after telling Steve to take care and watch out, he turned around and disappeared through the huge doors leading into the Alliance HQ.

Steve took a deep breath and turned the car around. He searched for a parking lot and left the car there. Just down the busy street was a little café that offered great pancakes. It would help him to stay awake and he would still be close enough to collect Kaidan later on, despite the other man’s insistence that Steve should go home.

~~~

In the late afternoon, Joker finally opened his eyes. He looked around disoriented and was close to panicking, but then he saw John next to him and felt his warm hand on his cheek. He gently turned Joker’s face around to the side he was seated.

With a hushed voice, Shepard told him everything was all right now. He was in hospital and safe.

Tears sprang to Joker’s eyes. He would later claim that the light was blinding him. But in truth, he couldn’t believe that the nightmare, the agonizing hours in total darkness, the overwhelming pain were now over. It was all gone and he was finally back where he belonged.

Shepard’s hand was so incredibly soft and warm on his cheek. He leaned into it and concentrated on that feeling.

Although he was hardly able to move his body, he managed to bring one hand up to Shepard’s face. He touched his skin carefully, as if to assure himself that Shepard was real.

There were also tears in John’s eyes, and he wouldn’t deny them later on.

Because Joker couldn’t sit up, he gave a John a little tug and the other understood at once. He leaned down, mindful to not hurt Joker along the way, and then finally their lips met. At first it was just a slight brush of lips against each other, but then Joker demanded more. It had been too long and the feeling that the kiss sent through him drove away all the hurt of the last days. Suddenly Joker felt light again and a pleasant tickle settled into his stomach.

He didn’t want the kiss to end, but when Shepard moved away, he didn’t have enough strength to keep him.

“You should shave. Only one of us is allowed a beard and that is me,” Joker grumbled.

“Sorry, but I was too busy saving your ass.”

They both laughed and Joker cringed at the pain it woke in his chest.

“I’m pretty wrecked up, right?”

“Yeah, but you will be okay. How are you feeling?”

Joker managed another smile and studied Shepard’s eyes for a while. He was feeling overwhelmed, but Shepard gave him a point to focus on. He loved him so much and wanted him to lean closer again. His heart was racing his chest suddenly and he was barely able to keep himself under control.

“I think I will be ok.” Joker tried to take a deep breath. “John, I love you. I love you so much.” His voice was shaking, although he had tried his best.

“Shhh, it’s ok. I love you, too.”

Shepard kissed him again and then held his hand tightly, promising him to not let go of it again.

~~~

After countless hours of filing reports and sending them around, Kaidan was finally free to leave the Alliance building again. Although everyone was of course relieved that the terrorist thread was apparently over, before anyone had truly realized what was going on, they were still not happy about the fact that Kaidan had just taken over like that.

There was nothing they could do about it. Kaidan was still a Spectre and could operate without their permission.

That, however, didn’t mean they weren’t going to make his life as difficult as possible.

The sun was already setting, when Kaidan at last walked out through the main door. He had no idea how he had made it through the day. Right now walking straight was tasking him to capacity. To make it worse, he was feeling the beginning of one his migraines. Hopefully he would get a cab quickly and be home, before it was in full action. He had taken pills as soon as he first noticed his vision blurring, but he doubted they would work.

He stumbled through the car park, and then froze after only a few meters. Steve was standing in front of him. He was obviously freezing, although he held a paper cup of hot coffee in his hands.

Dumbfounded Kaidan struggled for words and then stuttered slightly. “What… what are you still doing here? You haven’t been waiting, have you?”

Steve grinned wide and drained his cup. “Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. Anyway, since I’m here, want a lift home?”

Kaidan wasn’t sure how to react. He really hadn’t expected Steve to still be there. Now he had another set of problems, namely to keep himself under control, because there was an all too familiar flutter in his stomach. Smiling happily at this wonderful surprise, he nodded and walked behind Steve towards the car.

“You really shouldn’t have, you know,” Kaidan said when they reached the car.

Steve didn’t reply. He was still grinning to himself and slid into his seat.

~~~

The way to Kaidan’s residence took a little bit longer than their drive from the hospital to the HQ. Additionally traffic in Vancouver was hell in the early evening hours.

During the drive Steve eyed Kaidan up from the corner of his eye and tried to read his mood. Obviously he was dead tired, and Steve was glad that he was able to take him home personally. His posture was a little bit more relaxed, but something seemed to still haunt his thoughts.

“So, how did it go in there?” He could at least try a little small talk and was rewarded with a curt laugh.

“How do you think it went?” Kaidan shook his head. “The usual shit storm. Too bad they can’t do anything about what happened.”

His face suddenly turned and became dark. “And I really couldn’t care less about what they think. I would do it again anytime.”

“Me, too.”

Although Steve was focusing on the road, he noticed Kaidan had turned his head and was now looking intently at him. It made him a little nervous. He still couldn’t figure out where they were heading with all this.

He smiled nervously, but continued to focus on the road. Neither of them picked up their small talk again.

A few minutes later they had reached the other end of the city. It was a quiet, almost suburban district of small houses and most them even had a garden.

Steve stopped the car in front of one of the small houses with brightly lit windows.

Kaidan didn’t move out of the car right away. He tapped his fingers on his legs and seemed to be thinking of something to say. He played with his fingers for a few seconds and then took a deep breath. “You know, I’m just really relieved that nothing happened to you.”

He moved his hand a little and opened the door of the car.

Steve blinked in surprise and looked at Kaidan with huge eyes. He didn’t want to read too much into that statement. They were very good friends after all. But he hadn’t expected such a sudden declaration either.

He didn’t have to wonder about it too long because the next moment Kaidan leaned over and pressed his lips against Steve’s, before the other man had truly grasped what was happening.

Then it was over and Kaidan was out of the car within the blink of an eye. Without looking back he disappeared through his front door and left Steve sitting dazzled in the car.

~~~

Joker seemed to be doing a little bit better. He could hardly move and Shepard was sure he wasn’t without pain. But Joker didn’t complain. He still seemed anxious though, as if he still hadn’t processed what had happened and that he was now safe.

John knew that it would take time and he prayed that Joker would come out of this unchanged, although he wondered if this was too much to ask.

He watched him sleep through the late afternoon hours, and when the nurse came back in for the regular check, he told her he would stay the night. It was not a question, because he wasn’t going to leave Joker’s side. No one would make him go home now.

Luckily she seemed to understand and came back a few minutes later with an additional blanket for him. She even apologized that the hospital couldn’t spare another bed for him. He thanked her and told her he could manage. She smiled at him and this time her smile seemed to be genuine. She said she would fetch him a toothbrush and he was welcome to use the shower if he wanted.

Joker woke when the sky had grown dark again. He asked for something to eat and Shepard promised him to organize something.

In the end John had to help him drink some hot broth. Joker would have to take things slowly, no matter how much he carved for a peanut butter sandwich. Shepard told him this over and over.

“You know, the worst thing during all that time was the thirst.”

John had just cleaned the little hospital table and looked uncertainly at his partner. Not knowing how to respond, Shepard nodded slowly and sat down next to the bed again. He took up Joker’s hand as an anchor for both men.

“All the pain and helplessness and darkness, but all I wanted was to beg for some water.” Joker had closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. “And I didn’t know if I would see you again.”

“It’s over now.” Shepard’s voice was suddenly hoarse and he had to clear his throat.

“Yeah, and you being here with me now means the world to me.” Joker’s hand wasn’t able to truly close around Shepard’s because of the bandages, but he was able to give it a small squeeze. “You know, I changed my mind.”

“Changed your mind?” Shepard raised an eyebrow, not following Joker’s train of thought.

Before he replied, Joker gave a small, huffed laugh and winced again at the sudden pain in his ribs. “About marriage. Everything could have ended in the last days. And we already promised each other to live our lives without regrets. I mean, marrying you and having all of our crazy friends with us. I want to have such a moment with you.”

Joker’s statement made Shepard’s heart burst in his chest. He felt his eyes burn and had to look away for a second.

“Is that your lousy way of proposing to me?” he asked after he had caught himself again.

“Well, I can’t exactly drop to one knee right now,” Joker growled. He continued in a much quieter voice. “What do you say? Still want to marry me?”

“Of course, Jeff. I want to marry you and…” Shepard had to stop and shook his head. But he didn’t have to say anything else. He just leaned over Joker again and they sealed their engagement with a long kiss.

~~~

Kaidan’s mother welcomed him with strong embrace. She had been waiting for him in the hallway and she didn’t let go of him for quite some time.

“You’re finally home. I was so worried.”

She repeated these words over and over again. It was hard to break away from her, but Kaidan kissed her cheek quickly and moved to get rid of his jacket. His headache had reached a critical level despite all the pills he had taken and the bright lights in the house were hurting his eyes.

He gathered the last bit of his remaining strength to sit down with his mother for a cup of tea in the kitchen. He told her what had happened, but left out the most horrifying details, so he wouldn’t upset her further.

Although he did his best to look after her, he still felt like he was failing. She had grown so thin after the war and it was obvious that she was still missing Kaidan’s father. Kaidan did, too, but his first priority had become making sure his mother was doing ok. She was the only family he had left, and he would do anything to ensure her well-being.

And she clung to him just as much. Their family life had never been easy, mostly because of Kaidan’s biotic abilities. He knew that his mother still blamed herself for everything that ever hurt him, starting with BAAT and ending with every headache he had ever endured. She would likely continue to do so forever, and nothing Kaidan ever said could fix this. But what he could do was to sit down with her and ease some of her worries, hoping his mother didn’t realize that he was about to have another migraine.

After he had gone through the story twice, she gathered their cups and let him steal away into the bathroom.

He entered the shower gladly. The hot water was soothing his aching muscles and for some reason even the pounding in his head was ebbing away. He left the bathroom in his pajamas. As he made his way into his bedroom, he was approached by his mother again.

“Kaidan, who’s that man outside? Didn’t he bring you here tonight?”

Startled he walked over to the bedroom’s window overlooking the street. It was in fact Steve leaning against the car and trembling in the cold of the late autumn night. He seemed to be deep in thought.

Kaidan’s heart sank a little and his chest suddenly felt a lot tighter. Still, he didn’t regret the kiss. Even if he had now ruined their friendship, he would be able to live with this short memory of Steve’s warm lips.

“Is he waiting for something? Did you forget something? He can’t just stay there in the cold. Maybe his car is broken.”

Or maybe Kaidan should go out there now and try to set things right. There wasn’t much left for him to lose at this point.

“It’s all right, Mum. I’ll check with him.”

With wobbly knees he walked into the hallway and put on his jacket again. He was only able to open the front door after taking a very deep breath. With raised hands he moved towards Steve. “Look, I’m sorry, really.”

First the other man didn’t react and in the dark it was hard for Kaidan to read his expression. He moved closer and thought feverishly of something to say that would fix this.

“You should be sorry.” Steve’s voice was calm, but still the words sent a cold shiver down Kaidan’s spine.

He rubbed his temples and stopped in front of Steve. He feared his heart would stop beating any second now and, although the cold of the night was creeping through his jacket and right into his bones, he suddenly felt very hot.

“Look, I don’t know what else to say, I messed up, ok?  I know that. But I really don’t want to lose you as a friend as well.”

He looked down. However, Steve wasn’t going to make it easy on him. He asked Kaidan to look him in the eye and the other man did so hesitantly. The face he was seeing now didn’t look angry at all. After blinking a few times Kaidan realized that Steve was in fact smiling.

 “I mean, you can’t just run off like that without giving me the chance to respond.” Steve’s voice was warm with a slight hint of humor.

He extended one hand towards Kaidan. “Come here.” The other man suddenly felt like a child again. But he took the offered hand and realized too late that his own was sweating. He cursed silently, but didn’t have time for another thought, because Steve pulled Kaidan up against him.

He fell against him without resistance. He looked up and in the same second he had Steve lips against his own again.

Time stood still in that moment.

Involuntarily Kaidan wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders and tilted his head to the side. He felt hot and cold at the same time and, most of all, he couldn’t believe this was really happening.

But Steve was clinging to him just as much, gently pressing his hand into Kaidan’s neck to hold him even closer.

The kiss didn’t end there. Steve slowly opened his lips and Kaidan responded in kind, his body reacting before his brain understood. Their lips fit perfectly together.

After a few more seconds, they both had to break away for air. Lightheaded, Kaidan couldn’t suppress a giggle. “I feel like such a fool now.”

“Yeah, you really should.” Steve put his hand on Kaidan’s cheek and smiled warmly at him.

“Come back inside with me. I don’t want to you leave.”

Steve nodded and took Kaidan’s hand in his own. Together they walked through the front door where Kaidan let go of Steve’s hand and looked around for his mother. He found her in the kitchen, preparing two more cups of tea.

“Mum, this is Steve. He’s…” Kaidan hesitated slightly, not knowing how to put into words what he was feeling. “He’s very important to me.”

The smile she gave him told him she understood.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. Here, I made you both some tea. It’s so cold outside.” She handed them both the cups and for a moment looked at Steve with an unreadable expression. It made Steve slightly uneasy at first, but then she smiled at him, before she turned to hug her son.

Although she was smaller than Kaidan, she resembled him very much. Her long, braided hair was also a deep black and she had the same light brown eyes. She was incredibly thin though, and something about the way Kaidan embraced her told Steve that he cared deeply for her.

“I’ll be off to bed now. Make yourself comfortable, Steve. If you need anything, let me know.” She walked past the two men and disappeared into her own bedroom, granting both of them another warm smile.

With cups in hands Kaidan guided Steve to his bedroom and closed the door behind them.

“It’s not big, but comfortable.” He switched on the light with a small sigh. Steve wondered if he was having migraines.

He sat down on the bed and set his cup down on the carpeted ground next to his feet. Kaidan moved around the room, closing the shutters and cleaning away some clothes and datapads.

The room was really rather small and functional, with no more furniture than a wardrobe and an old, but comfortable looking armchair. Steve spotted a framed picture next to that chair of Kaidan and his mother on a sunny beach. It couldn’t be too old and made Steve wonder briefly what Kaidan’s father might have been like.

“These last few days have just been crazy. I can’t believe I’m here with you now.” He sighed and looked at Kaidan. “What made you, you know… kiss me all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know.” Kaidan’s head sank down, obviously a little embarrassed. He made his way back to Steve and sat down close to him. “It was just all too much. Shepard nearly lost Joker today, and now there are the families and friends of five marines who lost someone dear. I just wondered about everything I would regret if anything would happen to you.” 

Kaidan looked up again and Steve saw something glistening there. He moved closer to him and watched contently as Kaidan rested his head on Steve’s offered shoulder. The tiredness had almost overwhelmed him by now, but the sensation of Kaidan’s warm body next to him made his heart race faster and faster. It felt so good to have someone so close. Steve could forget the events of the past days and he hoped Kaidan could do the same.

He didn’t know how it had happened, but somehow they had managed to lie down together in each other’s arms. Steve was holding Kaidan close and with his head nuzzled against Steve’s chest, both men quickly fell asleep.

~~~ Epilogue~~~

Three weeks after the events with the batarian terrorists their big day had finally come. Joker was out of the hospital already and stuck with even more medicine he could hate each morning, but he was almost his old self again.

There were a few things that still haunted him. Now they always left a small light burning in their bedroom, and Joker clung even more closely to Shepard each night. But they were working things out, and the frequency of his nightmares had decreased within the last few days.

He was not yet back on duty, but he wasn’t requested back either. The question of if he should report back was starting to nag at him, but he hadn’t come to any decision yet.

The media had hardly taken notice of the happenings, which was as much to Joker’s and Shepard’s ease as it was to the Alliance. There were still a few questions left unanswered, but neither of the two had tried for answers. They probably wouldn’t either. It didn’t matter to them. Only the two of them mattered, and that they could maybe now start their shared life again.

Today they would seal all of this with two rings and an official document.

It wasn’t going to be a big and glamorous event, but it was going to be about the two of them.

They didn’t dress in tuxedos or Alliance dress blues. Instead they both chose comfortable jeans and shirts that were casual, yet good looking. After all, this was not about impressing anyone else.

The first, powdery snow had started to fall. The air was cold, but clear and although the sun was still bright in the sky, it was almost certain that the oncoming winter was going to be long and tough.

When they arrived at the civil office and saw their friends trembling in the cold, they almost felt sorry for not waiting until the next summer for their wedding. But the warm smiles they got from everyone told them that no one truly minded. And who knew if summer would come back so easily?

The room in the office was almost too small for them all, but Shepard couldn’t be happier to see Garrus, Tali, and Liara again. He did worry about the three krogan in the background and hoped they wouldn’t start a riot. Luckily, Eve was among them and John was certain she would settle any potential argument at once.

He held Joker’s hand tightly and was amused to realize that his soon-to-be-husband was pretty nervous, too.

It was a big thing after all no matter how many times Joker had tried to brush it off in the last weeks. Now, he seemed shy and a little embarrassed with no hint of his usual cocky attitude.

The ceremony was straightforward without long emotional speeches. They didn’t need any of those; they knew what they had with each other and their friends all knew it, too.

They both said their vows with shaking voices and Shepard had to blink conspicuously and often, but he had promised Joker that no tears would fall. Still, he stared at him dreamily and with every word Joker spoke his heart swelled.

Joker had to make two attempts to get the silver ring on Shepard’s finger. They had chosen simple rings with only the date and their initials engraved on the inside. It suited both of them perfectly.

Before they kissed, they pressed their foreheads together, whispering once more how much they loved each other. Even Joker seemed to have forgotten about their gathered friends, although the kiss that followed was accompanied by loud cheering from them. It lasted a long time. No one wanted to break that magic moment. To support himself, Joker dug his fingers into John’s shoulders. He was also glad that he could lean onto him on their way out of the civil office, because his legs wouldn't quite obey him. 

After the ceremony they gathered at Kaidan’s house to enjoy a little bit more of time together. It had been a long time since they had all met and it was almost impossible to catch up with everyone during one small evening.

It was also the first public appearance for Kaidan and Steve as a couple and they received many well wishes from everyone, along with a decent amount of teasing. Especially from James, who had seen it coming long ago. He didn’t miss one opportunity to embarrass Steve and stopped, only to focus on teasing John and Joker, when it was time to leave.

The two of them were guided to their car with more cheering and clapping of hands and, though they were both sad to leave their friends again, they were also looking forward to some private time. Besides, Shepard could tell that Joker had long since reached his limit for public affection showing.

Back home, they sat together in the living room for a long time marveling at the city below them. Joker was especially quiet.

“What’s on your mind?” Shepard was sitting behind him and Joker was resting with his back against his chest.

Joker shook his head and remained silent at first. Then he leaned his head back and gave Shepard a quick kiss on the cheek.

“It feels like a whole new life. Do you think we can leave the past behind us now? Cerberus, Reapers, batarians?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure it’s over now. What else could the universe throw at us? We will be safe.”

They both knew that this was mostly a lie. Anything could happen and in the end, one of them would have to live without the other. But at the moment they both agreed to live by this sweet, little lie.

 

_(Art by[Azzy](../../users/Azzy_Darling))_

**Author's Note:**

> My first Big Bang. It has been a wonderful and intense experience, and I got to know two good friends along the way. I've been toying with the idea of this story for quite some time. I really wanted to write some post-war Shoker and I always felt there should be more Steve/Kaidan-Love as well. Not the most conventional pairings, but my personal favourites. It feels very good to have it written down. Thanks to everyone for reading and thanks to my wonderful beta [Agrivex](http://archiveofourown.org/users/agrivex) and my wonderful artist [Azzy](http://azzy.livejournal.com/839751.html). Working with you has been great <3 Thanks for your awesome support!


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